The Primal Wound

"For adoptees [in particular], the need to defend against the possibility of abandonment or other losses intrudes into almost every relationship, beginning with the adoptive [parents] and including their relationships to friends, lovers and even themselves." (Verrier 1993:59)

Attachment Theory has been at the forefront of psychological studies for decades. The concept of primal attachment, both prenatal and postnatal, has contributed greatly to both professional practise and practical parenthood all over the world. In recent years however, there has been a greater emphasis on what happens when attachment 'goes wrong'. Attachment Disorders are becoming more widely recognised as a social and psychological issue. Since the 1950s, Freud and Bowlby have contributed substantially to discussions on the need for secure attachment in the early years and the significant impact of what happens when loss or trauma occurs, derailing the attachment process. Much work has been added to discussions since then.

However, one place that this discussion is less prominent is within the faith community. Attachment disorders affect people greatly, from childhood right through to their adult lives, and will undoubtedly impact their faith development on many levels, as well as their ecclesial relationships. Those with insecure attachment will often experience severe mistrust, anxiety, emotional instability and relational difficulties. There can be no doubt that these difficulties will not only impact their human relationships but will transfer vertically to their relationship with God. Over the next 6 months I'll be doing more in-depth research in to the reality of attachment disorders and their impact upon children's daily lives and faith development.   From time to time I'll post some of my findings here for others to engage with.


My studies will include children in foster care, adoptees, street children and children who have experienced significant loss or trauma in the early years. If anyone has good resources they can share or something they feel might contribute to my research, please get in touch! This is a very specific subject that has very little published material and any help would be muchly appreciated!

Research

Christmas should be a holiday, it really should. Unfortunately, for some of us, it's just a chance to catch up with work and write one of the many assignments which will soon be due for handing in. I was never really one for studying. Although I'm quite good at writing an essay (even at 3:30am - yes it has happened) I find the research painstaking and often struggle to find the motivation to even open a book. However, where the subject of my research actually captures my interest, particularly where the research is voluntary or self-chosen, the results prove to be more satisfying and the learning much more valuable to myself.


As previously mentioned, I have taken on an independent study module as part of my graduation process. I considered various subjects to research, weighing up the options of picking something easy and which I already knew a lot about or embarking on a completely new area of research that would be both interesting and useful in my current and future work. Being ever in favour of taking on a challenge I opted for the latter. I was asked to prepare a presentation on behaviour management for the team at Friday Night Live, part of the ongoing youth outreach at our church. At first I felt this would be easy enough, I could simply transfer my existing knowledge of discipline and the various techniques of pupil management in to the youth ministry context. However, as I considered the issue surrounding discipline at FNL I realised that there is far more to the issue than meets the eye. Always in favour of making life easy I decided to make the topic of my independent study module the same as that of my presentation, therefor allowing myself sufficient time for proper research. So, I am currently studying what will be known as, "The Implications of Discipline in a Christian Youth Work Setting."


I've found the research fascinating as I've covered various subjects such as active listening and counselling skills, pastoral approaches, responding to challenging behaviour and looking at all this in parallel with the mission statement outlined by Jesus and the intended purpose of the youth ministry at FNL. The more I read the more questions arise; How do we 'do' discipline in youth ministry, particularly in detatched youth work? What is the purpose of our discipline and what do we convey by the standards we set? What, if any, effect does our discipline and it's application have on our relationships with the young people? How does our discpline communicate the gospel?


I see a PhD on the horizon. Watch this space.

Job

Following my last blog I felt that my knowledge of the book of Job wasn't very sharp and that it would pay to do a little digging. I found my study guide to the Old Testament and looked at some of the questions there to help guide my thoughts.

The book of Job was first drawn to my attention during the summer. I was idly flicking through my bible one night and came across one of Job's speeches. I found it compelling. The intensity of his anger, his suffering and his situation just seemed so real. As I read it felt almost as if Job was in the room, yelling out with frustration. The whole passage just resonated with my feelings at the time. Here is a small excerpt as translated in The Message:

"Let God step on me - squash me like a bug, and be done with me for good.

At least then I'd have the satisfaction of not having blasphemed the Holy God, before being pressed to the limits.

Where's the strength to keep my hopes up?

What future do I have to keep me going?

Do you think I have nerves of steel?

Do you think I'm made of iron?

Do you think I can just pull myself up by my bootstraps?

I don't even have any boots!"

(Job 6:8-13)

If we're honest, how often do we feel like that? There are times where we feel there is little to go on and we might as well give up. It is not a favourable situation to be in. The reality of the whole situation became clearer as I studied the book of Job and began to unravel the context in which it was set and the different perspectives from which the story can be told.

God: He is proud of Job. He knows that Job is a good, honourable and loyal servant. He has give Job many blessings and is proud of the faith which Job has maintained. So proud in fact, that he can boast to Satan of the faithful servant that he has.

As a point of reflection we could ask ourselves, "What would God boast of us? Anything?" I often wonder, if God were to discuss my faith with Satan (which I very much doubt) who would be prouder of the work they have achieved in my life? A scary thought.

Satan: He's convinced that Job is only a fair-weather follower. He believes that Job is only faithful because God has only ever blessed him.

Should we ask ourselves, "To what extent are we only fair-weather friends of Jesus? Are we only faithful when the blessings have been bestowed?" Being a Christian is difficult and it is a challenge which we endure from the day we are saved until the day we die. Throughout the course of our life time there will be many high points (one would hope) and also many lows. But just how faithful are we in the times of darkness and desperation? Do we talk God up to our friends as long as he's giving us blessing to boast about? Are we even prepared for the fact that suffering will approach because we are in a relationship with God? I'm not sure that I always am.

Job: Job is convinced (and he was right) that he has lived a life worthy of God's approval. He has been loyal, honest, faithful and even repentant on behalf of his sons on the occasions that they 'might' have sinned. Therefor, in some respects, it is understandable that when unexpected suffering comes he is not at pleased and feels that such suffering is a good deal less than what he really deserves. His challenge to God is simply, "Tell me what I did. Tell me what I have done to deserve this and I will pay my dues." He believes that the suffering set upon him is deserved because of some sin he has unwittingly committed. The irony is that his trials were brought about because he was such a faithful servant. When things go wrong in ourselves, how much do we question ourselves and question God? If we were Job could we really have even begun to work out what was going on? Do we automatically presume that God is bringing punishment on us or being unfair? I admit that there are times when I do.

Job's friends: on the other hand, were far less than helpful. It is important to note that the 'theology' of Job's friends is far from accurate in many ways and God makes a point of saying so.

To begin with his friends did well. They sat with Job and identified with his pain. However, it's all downhill from there as they attempt to either prove Job guilty or second-guess God's plans. Neither of these approaches gained much and only made Job feel worse.

"When desperate people give up on God Almighty, their friends should at least stick by them," Job says. "And you, my so-called friends are no better - there's nothing to you! One look at a hard scene and you shrink in fear."

Tough words. Would our friends say the same about us? When we are suffering just how helpful are our friends? Do they sit, as Job's friends initially did, and identify in our suffering? Do they bring themselves to where we are and look out with the same perspective or do they second-guess God's working, standing on the dock presuming that we are at fault? Do we as friends do the same to others? Do I?

I am in a situation where I currently do have friends who are grieving, who are suffering, who are lost. Reading Job has made me consider my approach and my attitude as I try to help them through. I would hope that Job's description of his friends would not be one that would easily reflect me. The challenge now is to working on applying what I have learned from my brief study of such a telling story. There are great lessons to be learned from Job about being a Christian, about suffering, about God, about being a friend and about Judgement. I still feel that I have a lot more to learn fromJob and am looking for a better study guide to work with. Roll on ICC. In the mean time let's see how much of my learning I can apply to myself - not as a means of becoming a better person in the eyes of God or anyone else, but so that I can provide comfort and care that is truly of use to those who need it. How can I identify with them and stop myself from judging? Perhaps I also need to think more carefully about how I how I respond to my own situation and how I approach God with my complaints. There's much to be learned here. It's all part of growing and learning.